


I Can't Feel It But

by Mulletking



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Alternate Universe - High School, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, High School, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Inspired by Music, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Light Angst, Minor Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25573627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mulletking/pseuds/Mulletking
Summary: Felix has a lot of memories by the sink under the window, but memories aren't always good. August nights are just so hard.ORFelix is Chan's adopted foster brother and he has a hard time coping with past experiences. Based on the song "Coffee" by Sylvan Esso
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75





	I Can't Feel It But

The kitchen is still dark so early in the morning. 4 AM; a time when everyone should be asleep. A time when normal people are deep into their dreams. Fall asleep.  


Chan's room is quiet, the only sounds being the soft breathing of sleeping bodies and the occasional rustle of a blanket when Jeongin or Seungmin rolls over to get into an unconsciously more comfortable position. They don't have any alarms set. There's no reason for it, they're on holiday break.  


Felix wakes up at 4 AM. There's no reason for that either, and there's certainly no explanation. He wakes up early because his body betrayed him, because his mind wanted to run through old thoughts, because his eyes couldn't stay shut any longer. Something like that.  


It was dark in Chan's room too. Felix had slept on the bed, on the side next to the wall, and hugged Chan's pale torso through the night like a pillow. His brother wasn't particularly soft, but he was warm, and Felix curled into the warmth because December was so cold. Jisung slept on the outside edge, knees drawn up to his chest and blankets pulled over his lips, leaving his little nose to peek out and layers of thick blond hair to fall over his eyes. Jeongin was draped horizontally over the foot of the bed. He wasn't one to participate in skinship during the day, but in his slumber he clung onto Chan's leg and snuggled his foot into his cheek like it was a fluffy animal. Felix thought that was pretty funny when he first sat up and he smiled to himself.  


The heaps of blankets across the floor vaguely signified where Seungmin, Hyunjin, Changbin, and Minho would be located. Minho always brought his own air bed, of course. The damn thing would let out an obnoxious creak every time he moved and the plastic would shift slightly on the hardwood floor. Too dark to make out any faces.  


From the second he sat up Felix knew there would be no falling back under. He had mornings like that sometimes, ones where he would get up long before the crack of dawn and just… be awake. He didn't mind it so much. He'd been that way since… a long time.  


And the kitchen is dark. Despite the room being painted a rustic cream yellow with a cheery sunflower patterned wallpaper trim following the line where the walls meet the ceiling, it feels even darker than Chan's deep purple bedroom with it's grungy posters and blackout curtains. It's darker maybe because it's emptier.  


Felix pulls his arms closer to himself, hugging his own chest and shivering because his cotton T shirt and sleep shorts are not nearly insulation enough against the dark. The neon green numbers on the microwave that read '4:08' cast a dull glow onto the white countertop. Felix can feel the cold tile floor through his mismatched socks and he wishes he had grabbed his slippers. It's so much more quiet in the kitchen too. Felix can't account for all of the hours he has spent in this room. All the time he's spent baking and burning apple pies in the autumn, all the winter memories of cooking chili on the stove while Chan steals ingredients from the counter to snack on, all the lazy sunday afternoons he's made eggs and toast for Hyunjin and Seungmin when they spent the night, and the countless rushed school day mornings of making half cooked oatmeal in the microwave and laughing when fifty percent of it spills hot on the floor in a frenzy of 'we are SO late.' The times are etched into the cracks between cupboards, but it all feels tired and distant now, like a good dream that makes you second guess if life is all it's cracked up to be. But dreams are a part of life too, Felix reminds himself of this, and he silently opens a pack of filters to set up the coffee maker.  


The window above the sink looks out to the back yard, and Felix pulls the sheer white curtains apart to see what he can see. The swing set that is drowning in white powder is reduced to a dark mass under the sky, just the same as everything else in the yard. Obscure outlines of trees, heavy branches sagging under the weight of the snow, dot the outskirts of the property. The glass window begins to fog up as Felix had been leaning in too close to try to get a better look, and he moves away from it, resting his wrists on the edge of the sink and watching the cloudy mark his breath created dissipate from the edges in.  


The sound of the coffee brewing is a gentle reminder that the world is a tangible thing. Felix forgets it sometimes. When he gets up too early, and it's too dark, and he feels his head leave his body. It's not something a lot of people would understand. Felix barely understands what it is, this dissociation from himself and from reality. The coffee smells good, it promises of life and motivation.  


Felix turns his face toward the sound of approaching footsteps. Probably one of his parents coming out to ask what he's doing at this hour, or someone headed for the bathroom. It's neither of these things, but rather a sleepy looking Changbin shuffling into the kitchen, shirt wrinkled from sleep and sweatpants emphasizing the way his knees bow out. He walks slowly, duck toed and with one sock pulled too far so it hangs chaotically from the front of his foot. His cheeks are swollen and rosy, eyes hardly open and brows furrowed in either confusion or upset at the early hour.  


"Hey," Felix whispers. His own voice sounds foreign to him. Changbin comes up behind him and wordlessly wraps his arms around his waist, hiding his face between the younger boy's shoulder blades. He mumbles something incoherent. Felix closes his eyes and lets himself be enveloped by the warmth. It's colder by the sink since the window is drafty. Felix's blond hair sticks out like a beacon in the dark. It's one of the only things light enough to reflect the faded moon and the hiding sun.  


Felix turns himself around in Changbin's embrace so he can face him, and he leans back, elbows on the sink, and smiles because he's grateful someone else is up. When Felix wakes up too early, he makes as little noise as possible to avoid disturbing the others. But if someone else gets up on their own, it's a true blessing.  


"Why are you up?" Changbin asks. He follows Felix's movements and draws himself closer, tightening his arms comfortably and planting his lips in the junction between Felix's neck and shoulder. He's very warm. Changbin is warm, similar to Chan, but he's soft too. He makes Felix feel small and wiry in his thin shirt and shorts that are just a bit too short.  


"Just woke up." Felix admits. His voice isn't fully functional yet, still rough from the hours without use. "D'you want some coffee?" He asks. Changbin breathes out through his nose and it tickles across Felix's skin. It's quiet again for two minutes as Changbin becomes heavier and heavier, threatening to pass out right here standing on two feet in the kitchen. But then,  


"Yeah. Thanks." He says. And even when they're quiet, it's not nearly the same as before. It's not empty anymore. Felix can't be alone to think too far back. He pushes himself forward, and wrapping his arms around Changbin's neck, reciprocates his ongoing hug. Warm coffee.  


Felix cuts celery and carrots on a wooden board in late May. It's a particularly nice afternoon, sixteen degrees and sunny, low humidity, trees out the window a variety of vibrant green buds and new flowers. The peonies by the deck are just starting to bloom, and the smell rides the air through the window, the one above the sink. Quiet music plays from somewhere in the yard, a song about dancing and falling in and out of love. 'Wrap me in your arms / I can't feel it but / Rock me in your arms / I can't feel it but-'  


"HAH!"  


"AHHHH!" Felix jumps up and twirls around in the air, nearly dropping his knife on the floor. Chan is laughing hysterically, crouched over with his hands on his knees and practically wheezing. Felix didn't think it was THAT funny, but Chan could always be found laughing until he was out of breath. He was just like that, he enjoyed laughing and could find the humor in absolutely anything. It's actually an admirable trait, not one that people think of too often when they must come up with characteristics deemed likeable, but Felix thinks it's very important to laugh and it's especially important that Chan laughs. It's contagious.  


"Man, you really scared me." Felix says. The breeze that comes through the open window sifts through his hair, pushing his bangs gently forward, and the little stripe of sun that comes through is warm on his arm.  


"Sorry…" Chan apologizes while catching his breath, but there's no way he means it. "It's just too easy." And he walks up to the counter and snags a celery stick from the cutting board, not even flinching when Felix tries to swat his hand away.  


"Hey, you're stealing." Felix scolds him. Chan gives him the look, the innocent one where he raises his eyebrows and opens his dark eyes up wide. They've got heavy purple bags underneath, a result of pulling a hundred too many all nighters, but they sparkle with happiness and a very particular sense of home that only Chan can create.  


"I don't know what you're talking about." He says, taking a bite from the vegetable with a satisfying snap. Felix rolls his eyes.  


"I'm gonna bring it all out when I'm done. What's up anyway, you got beat?" He asks. Everyone is outside playing football. It's the first weekend they've all had together in a long time. Felix is preparing snacks since it's nearly 2 PM, and even if no one else was feeling hungry HE definitely had a case of the munchies.  


"Pshhh, no," Chan says, observing a spot on the floor and leaning back on the counter. Green headband across his forehead and fried blond curls, ends split and screaming from how often they've seen bleach. He's wearing shorts too, and both of his knees are smeared in dirt because Chan always goes all out when it comes to sports, ESPECIALLY football, even if it's just a friendly match in the backyard.  


"Came to check on you. It's been a minute."  


"Well I'm almost done." Felix says, using the knife to push the cut vegetables into a clear glass bowl.  


"Alright." Chan says, and he gives Felix's shoulder a squeeze. He does that sometimes, and every time he does it, it feels like he's worried about something that would never happen, like he wants to fix everything before anything has gone bad. It makes Felix feel like he doesn't share enough. It's the smallest gesture, and yet it never fails to make Felix feel both safe and cared for, but also deeply harrowed because he doesn't know if he could ever allow himself to be anything other than happy.  


"Hey, we got anything to drink?" Chan asks. He moves towards the fridge with easy strides. He hasn't been so relaxed in weeks. Springtime means to be forgiving.  


"Yeah, I made some iced coffee, it should be in a pitcher." Felix says. He hears Jeongin laugh loudly somewhere outside.  


"Did you put any sugar in it?" Chan asks, but he takes a sip before Felix can answer. He scrunches his nose and shakes his head like a cartoon character trying to get out of a dizzy spell.  


"No…" Felix giggles.  


"Good, just how I like it." Chan says, and pours himself a glass. Felix smiles to himself. He scoops some peanut butter into a small dish, gathers the bowl of celery and carrots, and right as he's about to go for the tray of pretzels and crackers he made, Chan rushes in.  


"Here, I got it." He says, easily taking the tray, and then the veggie bowl from Felix's hand.  


"Thanks." Felix says. Chan smiles so genuinely before carefully going out the door with everything in a precarious balance, and Felix feels the fuzzies in his heart. Cold coffee. He reminds himself that it's all real.  


Sometimes people have to do things they really don't want to do. Sometimes it's a really tough exam they didn't study for, or leaving a toxic friend behind, or telling the truth to their family about who they love, or even just crying in summer.  


Felix's favorite season is winter. It was like that since he was small; he loves the beauty in the snow, the stillness, the cozy vibe of December, even the numbing cold. He grew to like winter even more once he started to live with Bang Chan and his family, because Chan made a BIG deal out of christmas and always wanted to wear lots of soft blankets and snuggle on the couch. Felix never had someone to snuggle on the couch with before, even though he always loved it.  


Everything comes out in summer. For some reason it's harder to just smile. Felix can smile very bright, he's seriously never been more happy in his life, but it gets to a point where he's ignoring everything that ever made him weak, and his happiness becomes partially a defense mechanism, which happiness should never be.  


Sitting on the porch swing and listening to the crickets in the middle of August. Such a pretty sound, and what a bad month.  


"I can see the big dipper." Seungmin says, pointing up to the big black sky with eyes full of wonder. He's so precious. The air is heavy and humid now, and the grass in the yard is a week too long. It grows up around the metal poles of the swing set, sways like the fur on a great beast in the wind. It carries the smell of queen anne's lace and the impending autumn. And with autumn is the promise of irreversible change.  


"Show me." Felix says, hugging Seungmin's arm and leaning his head on his shoulder. He brings his sock covered feet up onto the swing cushion and tucks them under his butt.  


"Right there." Seungmin points up, connects the stars with his fingers. There are some stars, Felix notices, that if he stares right at them, they vanish from sight, and he can only see them if he doesn't give them his full attention. Jisung is like that, Felix thinks. His head is starting to float again, dizzy spell. He hugs Seungmin closer in an attempt to come back down, and that's when he feels the warm tears slipping from his eyes. It's strange because he doesn't feel sad, or at least, he doesn't THINK he does, but he's crying nonetheless. He sniffles, and it's almost carried away in the gentle whisper of the wind through the tall grass, but Seungmin catches it.  


"Lix, are you okay?" He asks, concern evident in his face as he swipes a tear from Felix's cheek with his thumb. If there's something about Seungmin that not everyone knows, it's that his heart is pure gold. He might not understand it all, but he's always always there.  


"Yeah." Felix says, even though his voice is breaking up. The ancient sunflower wallpaper in the kitchen at Chan's house has seen a lot of things. The sun rises and sets, seasons change, people laugh and fight and do all kinds of things by the sink. Throw tomatoes out the window at each other on a dare. Sit on the floor and giggle too loudly while rummaging for snacks in the cupboard at 2 AM. Braid daisies into Hyunjin's long hair just to see him smile at his reflection because he feels like a princess. Kiss Changbin in secret but tell him he's a dummy right after because it can't go to his head. Help Jeongin with his biology homework and gossip about things that wouldn't matter in a week.  


But it's not just Chan's kitchen, it's Felix's too. It's Felix's house. Everyone has made it such a point to make sure he knows that this is his home.  


"Are you sure?" Seungmin asks. Felix remembers farther back. Back to when he first arrived here, how scared and pensive he was. He smiled a lot then too, there was nothing else for him to do, but he had to be cautious. Of course, it was in his every move. Cautious to open up. He still hasn't, not completely. He remembers even farther back, to the things he tries to keep in the dark and the things that make his head fly away.  


"No." He admits. It's become a habit from his very first memories to bottle it all up, to withdraw from pain and to just smile. He really is happy, but it doesn't stop all that smiling from starting to hurt.  


"It's okay, I'm here." Seungmin's voice makes Felix feel real. "Do you want to talk about it?"  


"I haven't cried…" Felix trails off. What would he even say? He hides his red and teary face in Seungmin's ribs. "I just need this." He says.  


"Okay." Seungmin responds. He keeps kicking the deck, rocking the swing back and forth. The little mason jar lamps around the perimeter are a cozy warm glow. If he's honest with himself (something he struggles to be) Felix isn't sure why August is so hard. The reason is probably buried in his mind somewhere.  


But things get better when September hits. Everything is definitely different, but Felix learns that not all changes are bad. Chan is in college, but he makes sure to come home at least once a month, and he always lets Felix sleep in his room. Jisung is around whenever Chan is around too, and for two days Felix can feel like everything is as it should be. Changbin likes college too. He stays warm and soft, and his hugs still last so long. It's hard to remember sometimes, but Felix does it anyway. He remembers, and then moves on, and he's never felt more like his body belongs to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol I think all of my fics are based on songs hehe WHOOPS. I can't help it, I don't feel inspired to write without a good bop u^u I hope you like this, I wrote it in one night fjdhdsb no regrets


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